In just a week...

In just a week we will be getting off a plane in Cambodia where what we call "our mission trip" will finally be taking real form, but since it's not really our mission that we'll be getting off that plane for, what happens from there, only God can say...


I've been in a weird sort of tension between anxiety and peace over that last statement these past few days--the anxiety bordering a sort of obsessive-compulsive "control freak" syndrome, and the peace bordering something like lethargy with a hint of futility mixed in... both of these borders are extremes which let me, for a moment at least, pretend like the "only God can say" part of this whole thing doesn't really exist. It makes my thoughts god rather than letting me think about God... it makes my picture of what the trip will be (or won't be) the focal point of my eyes and vision rather than having those two things land on Him. I know that each member of our team has some sort of concern or another, and it's good that this concern causes us each to act on the things that we can act on (preparation is o-so-important and not to be neglected here!)... I also know, though, that we each may begin to despair should we start making our goals, visions, thoughts, and abilities our gods and then start tying them inextricably into the "destination" of this trip. Because we all like to picture ourselves as little saviors, don't we? As if we just rush in with our "put-together" things to "un-put-together" places and make all the difference in the world...

...Of course, rest assured, we definitely DO make a difference--it's just, I think sometimes we forget that it is God's difference we are longing to make here, isn't it? And what if we don't get to say exactly how that will play out? He sees all the differences made in the world--and He sees how, eventually, all the world could be different. But, I want to be the one that sees those things sometimes--I want to be the one that can say how this or that will be better because this or that is going to happen and I'm going to do this and that to show them and they the way the world should be... etc., etc...

So when it comes down to the fact that I'm faced with the question of "Who can say how this is all REALLY going to play out?" I think I might die of an anxiety attack over my true lack of control--or, the opposite, from a futile attitude giving into all my doubts and despair about the pointlessness of "doing good" in the world (of course, this is all so dramatic... as am I ;). Honestly, I can't deny that I want to KNOW what I'm doing is worthwhile, and that while I'm doing it, I can see it's worth, in all it's glory! (Woot Woot! Hallelujah, Amen!) And if we can't plan right, prepare our minds right, convince our supporters, impress our overseas contact, MEET EXPECTATIONS, then what the heck are we supposed to say about what will even happen over there?!! (Ah! Such an outrage!!!)



But the more I think about it.... the more I realize that, yes--only God can say...

and I actually like that about this trip.


So, in just a week, we will be getting off a plane in Cambodia... and, from there, well...

only God can say :). (Awesome. really.)



Peace to you all tonight,

Jenna